OP-ED: Is There a Way to Avoid Being a Victim of Domestic Violence?

October 2023 has been declared National Domestic Violence Awareness and Prevention Month by the US Government. Here in the Caribbean, Domestic Violence remains one of the leading causes of violent crimes, social decline and generational trauma negatively impacting the security, health, productivity of our societies. Saint Lucia has made great strides in crafting one of the most progressive and inclusive anti-Domestic Violence Legislation yet in the Caribbean which seeks to prioritize protection of victims and witnesses of the criminal act of domestic abuse, no matter who they may be and no matter the legal status or orientation of the domestic relationship. It also holds law enforcement responsible for their level of response to victims and will severely prosecute failure to respond by both police and civilians.

Official statistics show that nearly 40% of women across the Caribbean experience violence at the hands of their partners (UN Women, 2019). The violence is physical, sexual, economic, and emotional in nature.

Yet despite this advancement, the cultural attitudes towards victims of abuse is to blame the victim, particularly when the victim is female, as they are seen to instigate their own abuse or be complicit in allowing it to continue. One premiere of a Caribbean nation famously said, “Choose your men wisely!” as a response to the disturbing reports that domestic violence accounted for one-third of all violent crimes on the island. Is there even such a thing as being able to weed out all potential abusers before getting entangled in a relationship with them? The answer is no.

Potential abusers in intimate relationships do not always show tell-tale signs of being abusive. Potential abusers often meet all the criteria promoted to people (women especially) of what is supposed to be an excellent choice in partner; well-educated, successful in their careers, religious and respectable, good relationships in their family and peer groups, admired and well loved. None of these things will indicate that they have serious issues with emotional attachment, fragile egos, personality disorders, addictions or an inability to love or respect the autonomy and humanity of those with whom they engage in intimate relationships. People often hide the dark side of themselves and only show it to those over whom they have a sufficient level of control.  

So while there are no surefire ways of spotting red flags, the most critical way to avoid becoming a victim is not ever giving someone a sufficient level of control over you. It starts by knowing your Relationship Rights. No matter your sex, gender identity or nature of the intimate relationship, you have the right to:

• Say NO regarding anything they want to do involving your body, your name, your material possessions. While it is understandable that someone may feel disappointed about you saying “No” to them, if their reaction goes beyond momentary disappointment and they throw tantrums, use manipulative tactics, get verbally or physically abusive- RED FLAG!
• Honesty regarding anything that will impact your body, health, reputation, livelihood, loved ones, relationships and finances. If they lie a lot regarding things that implicate your well-being- RED FLAG!  
• A social life and community apart from them. If they try to isolate you from your friends, your hobbies, your community engagement and prevent you from having any kind of life apart from serving their needs- RED FLAG!
• Enterprise, education, economic independence. If they try to keep you down and restrict your access to any of these things- RED FLAG!  
• Your own opinions, beliefs, conscience about matters. If they try to force you to believe exactly as they do and react badly to any disagreement you have or difference of opinion- RED FLAG!  
• Feel safe in your own space. If you are with someone who creates a constant atmosphere of fear, anxiety, depression and you cannot even breathe easy in the place you lay your head at night- RED FLAG!

A helpful tool called the Power and Control Wheel was created by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, MN. It can be helpful in spotting some early signs of how much power and control a person is trying to exercise over you. For more information, please visit the site:

The Power and Control Wheel diagram above assumes she/her pronouns for survivors and he/him pronouns for partners. However, the abusive behavior it details can happen to people of any gender or sexuality.

Please know that even with all the information and empowerment in the world, anyone can still become a victim of Domestic Violence. It often happens to people who think it could never happen to them. The important thing is not whether or not it happens but what you do when it does. The earliest you start to plan your exit from the relationship, the better. Choose your allies in your escape wisely. Many families and religious institutions are often more concerned with preserving the marriage than with protecting the victims of the abuser, especially if the abuser is powerful and respected in the community.  When you need to get out of a toxic and abusive relationship you must develop allies outside the relationship who are all about protecting you and you alone, not the relationship.

Remember, that romantic relationships are not the pinnacle of love or the only form of love there is. Romantic attraction is fleeting and has a shelf life. The majority of people when they die, especially women (who outlive men and whom men do not care for once she gets old) will not be dying with a romantic partner at their side but with the family and/or community member they have cultivated. So never invest everything in romantic relationships. Always invest in family and community first. Community is the strongest protector against getting isolated in an abusive relationship dynamic with a deeply damaged person with severe emotional and mental issues, sexually dysphoric dysfunctions or a practice of toxic ideologies, like misogyny. Love is too precious to be wasted on those incapable of it.  

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